No one – really, no one – can
possibly eat a hot dog without dressing it. And I don’t mean adding a tutu or
tights. Naked hot dogs aren’t natural. You should add mustard for
certain, along w other tasty toppings. It turns out Emily Dreyfuss tastefully
wrote a much-needed 4th of July article in Wired,
“Put down that ketchup and step away from the hot dog slowly.” Her story echoes
my hot dog dressing protocol to a “D” (for dog, d’accord). She begins.
In my family, I grew up knowing
that my parents would support me no matter the mistakes I made. Bad grades,
underage drinking, becoming an English major? All could be forgiven. Unless, of
course, I put ketchup on a hot dog. Then I’d be out on my ass.
In advance of the Fourth of July
holiday, I emailed my dad to see if his opinions on hot dogs and ketchup had
changed at all. "It is not that ketchup on hot dogs is inherently
disgusting (although even the thought picture was enough for me to lose my
appetite for breakfast)," he wrote back, before going into an intricate
theory about why mustard is just better. My personal favorite way to eat a
(preferably spicy) hot dog is with sweet relish, mustard, and pickled
jalapenos, but that’s not for everybody. [This is, nevertheless, at my summit
of hot dog dressings, as well. In a partial peace offering, I’ve been known to put ketchup on a dog when it’s mixed with tabasco or siriracha.]
Chicagoans famously like to put a
pickle spear in the bun and top the whole thing with celery salt like some
seriously fancy patriots. The sugary red substance known as ketchup is OK, too,
if it accompanies mustard. But on its own, ketchup on a hot dog is considered
by my clan to be a sign of childishness and disrespect. Pretentious foodies
agree. But does science? My dad's theory, though clearly right, is a mix of science,
gut feeling, and mysticism. So I figured I should double check with the hard
scientists [Is there any other kind?]
"There is no basis to
this," wrote Richard Mattes, distinguished professor of nutrition science
at Purdue University, when I emailed him for his thoughts. "Note the
popularity of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Their appeal is sweet-salty
combination."
So no, science is not on my side
in the argument that mustard is objectively best. This time.
I agree with Emily, but just for today. After
all, the Fourth of July is about celebrating this country’s common heritage and
coming together for its 243rd birthday. I’m doing my best to rise to this [Francis
Scott] key ecumenical occasion and dismiss any errant thoughts connected to tankification.
Onward with stellar fireworks tonight…
Here’s to your having a wondrous Fourth of July – even with
ketchup.
